By Dr. Katina Clarke, PhD, LPCMH
Picture a couple sitting with a therapist after an affair. She is in tears, and he cannot bring himself to look at her. Most people would assume he was the one who was unfaithful, but in this story, it was her.
We often talk about infidelity as something men do and women endure, and that assumption shapes how we respond when the unfaithful partner is a woman. It can shape how friends and family react, how the betrayed husband understands his own pain, and how the couple approaches the work of deciding what comes next. This post explores why women have affairs, what a betrayed husband may carry, and how couples who choose to stay can begin to rebuild.
Women’s Infidelity Is More Common Than the Stereotype Suggests
Research consistently finds that men report more sexual infidelity than women, but the difference is smaller than many people assume, and it narrows further when emotional betrayal is included. A large 2024 review of more than 300 studies found that about 35 percent of men and 30 percent of women reported intimate emotional connections outside their relationships. A 2024 Institute for Family Studies analysis of a national survey found that among people who reported an affair, women accounted for more than half of the affairs that were emotional only.
These findings do not mean that women have overtaken men in infidelity. They mean that women’s infidelity is far more common than the cultural stereotype suggests, and that many affairs begin in ways people do not initially recognize as betrayal. Following a former partner on social media, a workplace friendship that continues late into the evening, or a private conversation that slowly becomes the most honest relationship in someone’s life can all become the beginning of an affair.
Why Women Have Affairs
Women sometimes cheat for different reasons than men, and sometimes they cheat for the same ones. Research has identified motivations that include anger, a desire to feel valued, lack of love, low commitment, a desire for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and circumstance, with women more likely than men to describe feeling neglected. Some women describe loneliness inside marriage or a need to feel visible again, while others enjoy the attention and the opportunity, or believe they are owed something outside the marriage because of what they tolerated inside it.
Those reasons deserve to be understood, but understanding is not the same as excusing. A woman may say that her husband was never home or that they had been living like roommates, and those statements may describe real injuries in the marriage. They do not make the affair an unavoidable outcome. Loneliness does not remove a person’s ability to choose, and if she believed the marriage was over, she still carried the responsibility to say so before beginning another relationship.
What the Betrayed Husband May Carry
When a woman is unfaithful, the conversation can shift quickly toward what she was missing in her marriage, whether she was lonely, or whether her husband had stopped paying attention. Those questions may describe something real, but they can quietly move the weight of the betrayal onto the person who was betrayed.
Meanwhile, his pain often goes unspoken, sometimes even by him. A husband whose wife has had an affair may be left holding images he cannot stop seeing, comparisons with the affair partner he cannot stop making, and the quiet humiliation of wondering what others think of him for staying. He may still love his wife and be unable to reconcile the woman he trusted with the choices she made. Every man experiences betrayal differently, and research suggests that men and women are more alike in their willingness to forgive than popular stereotypes imply, but his injury deserves the same care and attention that hers would receive.
Understanding Is Not Excusing
A spouse can contribute to an unhealthy marriage without causing the other person’s infidelity. Both partners may share responsibility for the condition of the marriage, but responsibility for the decision to cross an agreed boundary belongs to the person who crossed it.
This distinction is essential to recovery. If the betrayed husband is asked to examine his part in the marriage too soon, it can feel like being blamed for the affair itself. Looking honestly at emotional distance in the marriage may eventually be part of rebuilding, but it belongs after safety has been restored, and it is separate from responsibility for the affair.
Rebuilding Happens in an Order
When a couple decides to rebuild, the work happens in a sequence. In the Clarke Relational Reconstruction Model, the framework I developed for repair after betrayal, reconstruction follows this order:
Emotional Safety → Closeness → Intimacy
Individual work continues for each partner throughout, and the first stage carries much of the weight. Ending the affair, stopping the deception, establishing accountability, and learning to hear the injury without becoming defensive are all part of rebuilding Emotional Safety. Couples often want to restore Intimacy before the structure beneath it has been repaired, which reverses the work, because a marriage cannot return to ordinary Closeness while one partner is still waiting for the next piece of information to surface.
Guided Journals for Each Side of Betrayal
Before a couple can rebuild together, each person often has individual work to do, and that work looks different depending on where you are standing. For that reason, I created guided journals for each side of betrayal.
Deciding Whether to Stay is for the partner who was betrayed and is uncertain whether to stay or leave. It offers a private, structured place to examine the betrayal, separate what you feel from what you know, and consider what would be required to move forward.
After Causing the Hurt is for the partner who was unfaithful and wants to move beyond apology toward understanding. It guides you through an honest examination of the choices and rationalizations that led to the betrayal, without shaming you and without excusing what happened.
Rebuilding After Betrayal is for couples who have decided to stay and want to do the work together. It walks you through the sequence of reconstruction so that you are not reaching for Closeness and Intimacy before the safety beneath them has been repaired.
[Insert links to each journal]
When You Want Support Beyond the Page
A journal can give you space to think clearly, but some couples also benefit from working with a therapist who understands betrayal and the sequence of repair. Couples counseling, customized couples journals, and private relationship consulting are available through Yellow Door Consulting LLC in Wilmington, Delaware, at YellowDoorConsulting.com.
You do not need to know today whether your marriage will survive. Whether you were betrayed, caused the hurt, or have chosen to rebuild together, there is work you can begin now, and the most important step is often simply deciding to begin it honestly.
Continue Reading
For a deeper look at the research behind this post, read my full LinkedIn article, Women Cheat Too: Understanding Her Affair Without Excusing It. For a fuller explanation of the model, read After Betrayal, Rebuilding Has an Order.
About Dr. Katina Clarke
Dr. Katina Clarke, PhD, LPCMH, is a licensed therapist, social psychologist, author, and host of the Dr. Katina Talks podcast. She developed the Clarke Relational Reconstruction Model to help couples understand the sequence required after betrayal: Emotional Safety, Closeness, and Intimacy. Her guided journals and relationship resources are available at DrKatinaTalks.com.
